Always in my heart

Saturday, August 2, 2014

My husband and I have been trying to conceive our third and final baby for the last 3 months. We knew we wanted 1 more and I figured I might as well get it done and over with now before I get used to not changing diapers, or having the boys get older and having nothing in common with the baby.  Well I finally got a positive test on Tuesday and we were over the moon excited. I wanted the baby to be born toward the beginning of the year because my boys were toward the end of the year. The babys due date was April 2, 2015, however since my boys were both emergency c-sections I would have had to undergo another, so most likely the baby would have been born end of March. For our family March was perfect, nobody at all on either sides of the family was born in March. The feeling of knowing you are nurturing another human being inside of you is one of the best feelings in the world! Of course we were hoping for a girl to join this crazy family of boys. With 2 boys, my husband, and even my dog being a male I was definitely outnumbered in the house, not too mention misunderstood once a month! My boys were both surprise presents from God, so this one we put more effort into planning. Sadly on Thursday night, just 2 nights after the bliss, I began miscarrying our precious baby. I prayed that night in hopes that God would let this angel survive. Friday morning I woke up to the anguish of knowing that something was seriously wrong. My OB fit me in right away and luckily my husband was able to leave work. After an exam the confirmation was made that in fact I was having a miscarriage and she sent me to the ER right away. Fear took over my body like never before. I wondered what could have caused this, what I did wrong, what I could do to make it stop. I cried so much laying in that hospital bed, knowing that my life would never be the same. After 6 hours in the hospital, blood tests, ultrasounds, and urine tests all confirmed the horrid truth that my body had released my precious baby. As I heard the doctor talking I went numb. How could this be that all my trying, all the planning, all the praying, could just all been in vain? I felt sadness and anger all in one. I wanted to roll into a ball and stay under the blankets and sleep the pain away. My husband hugged me and I felt so small. I saw the pain in his eyes and felt like I let him down. My one job was to give this being a safe home for 9 months and I couldn't even do that! I sat in silence the whole 40 min home. Getting home felt wrong, like I was supposed to have good news for my kids, instead they must have felt my sadness because they ran to hug me and I embrace them like it was the first time. The rest of the evening felt like a fog and at night I layed in bed just wondering who this child could have been? What could have this child accomplished? And did this angel know how wanted he or she was? I cried myself to sleep with a huge ache in my heart.
This morning I woke up and remembered, and the ache in my heart was still there. I heard Eli calling me and immediately got up. I went about my morning routine and as I sat drinking my coffee my mother called. I told her what happened and she said how sorry she was, but that god knew why everything happened and that he would comfort my soul. After speaking to her I realized she was right.I did want this baby, but I wanted it at my time and I wanted the baby to be a girl. I realized how selfish I was being. I felt so ashamed. You see God gives us what he feels we need when he feels we need it. It doesn't make the pain any less, but it eases my mind knowing the third baby will come, but when God feels we are ready. I will always love this baby and wonder what it would have felt like to hold him or her, but I know that this angel will always live on, in my heart. And today I love my boys more knowing that god was gracious enough to bless us with 2 precious gifts and for now that has to be enough for me.

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