Wednesday, January 22, 2020

The Loss Of My Father


I've tried for months to write this post. I get the kids to bed, my husband's at work, I finally finish the dishes, I fold some clothes and sit. I sit at the desk where I my laptop is. I look directly in front of me where a picture of my father hangs and I feel inspired. Inspired to write again. Because even though life has pulled me away from this blog for a few years, it still is something I love deeply. He would want me to write. He was my #1 fan, my father. He was the man who taught me to follow my dreams. The man who taught me writing and emotions cleanse the soul. 
But my heart is heavy and I cry. I cry wishing I could call him or run to his arms. Because his arms gave the best bear hugs. Although the photo in front of my desk shows his smile and mine, because we always smiled, I still wish i could see it in person. He had the sweetest smile. A smile that said, "You are so special to me. I love you."

My father Miguel Sosa passed away January 29, 2019. He had been battling for years with many ailments, but his passing was unexpected. He was a fighter, always saying he had more fight to give. Always so strong and hoping to reach a new milestone of someone in the family. Wanting to be present for all of our successes. He left behind 4 daughters and 4 sons. Many grandkids and great grandkids. For each of us he was such a special man. Always willing to go the extra mile for each of us if he could. Always available for words of wisdom. Never judgmental. Even his scoldings were done with love or a joke at the end, proving that he should be feared, but you were human and allowed to make mistakes. 

I feel I have grieved all sorts of new ways all year long, yet the pain is still the same. The memories still vivid. Some make me laugh, some make me cry, some make me angry, but all make me miss him so much. His absence is something I am reminded of daily. Everytime I want to pick up the phone to talk to him about my day. Everytime I see strawberries. Every single time I suddenly get a whiff of his cologne.  When I see a young girl with her dad, I am reminded how proudly I held my dads arm when we were out and about. 

This is not a post to make you feel sorry for me. I know everyone goes through this pain at some point in their life. This pain is universal for those who have lost a parent, a family member or friend. The point of my post is to remind you that at some point in your life the people who you love deeply, those people you see daily or don't, will be gone. You will be left with a gaping hole in your heart. You will wish for them to still be present. So please! Enjoy those people. Make wonderful memories and avoid drama. Help them when they need you, be there for them the way they are for you. Show them so much love. Make TIME! 32 years with my dad was not enough for me. Now, I know my dad is at peace and he is no longer in pain. I know he is living a much happier life in heaven. That is precisely what gives me peace at the end of the day. He is in Heaven! But I'm still here, wishing I had one more day with my dad. Wishing I could turn back time and be a kid again so I could relive it all over. Relive the laughter he gave me. Relive learning to ride my bike with him. Relive the day he gave me away and the day he came to visit each of my boys at birth. Relive the day he gave me the stamp of approval on my new home and that first bbq we had because he gave us his grill. I wish I could do it all over again because I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to bury my dad. 

Grief is different for everyone and only the Lord knows how and what we feel. In time maybe life and living without my father will get easier, but right now I am dreading his one year passing anniversary. The pain in my chest is like that of the very first day. So I urge you to love deeper, laugh harder and above all take time out of your schedule to be with the ones you love. We hear it all the time, but never think it will happen to us.

"Tomorrow is not promised, but today is a gift thats why they call it the present."
-Unknown




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